Well I Wonder

I’m cheating…

on Tumblr.  I’ve started a new blog here: http://prettygirlsmakegraves77.blogspot.com/

more friends are on blogger.  I’m not deleting this yet though.

Depression & Passion: Intrinsically Linked

I need to find a reason to wake up in the morning, because right now, I don’t have one.  I want to wake up in the morning and feel the desire to go to work.  I hate this job and it is not satisfying at all.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  Everything I have done for them in the last year goes either unnoticed or ignored.  The firm wanted someone to revamp the organizational scheme, but it’s not working.  It’s not taking effect. And honestly, I’ve lost the motivation.

Regardless.  This is not enough to wake up in the morning anymore.  Money is not enough anymore, either.  I find sitting here for 8 hours a waste of my time.  I am simply passing the time.  I am just surviving and not living.

Surviving.  I am good at that. But who isn’t?  Anyone can be a robot, passing the time in this world.  But I want to live.  I want to be happy.

“Unloveable” by The Smiths

Oh …
I know I’m unloveable
You don’t have to tell me
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours
Oh …

I know I’m unloveable
You don’t have to tell me
Oh, message received
Loud and clear
Loud and clear
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours

I know I’m unloveable
You don’t have to tell me
For message received
Loud and clear
Loud and clear
Message received
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours

I wear Black on the outside
‘Cause Black is how I feel on the inside
I wear Black on the outside
‘Cause Black is how I feel on the inside

And if I seem a little strange
Well, that’s because I am
If I seem a little strange
That’s because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Oh …
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours
I don’t have much in my life
But take it - it’s yours
Mmm …
Oh …

Love, who needs it? Me.

I just found out that someone I was seeing over the summer left me for another woman.  Even though it’s November, I’m still hurt and pissed off.  I don’t I understand love and dating.  And honestly, it’s killing me.

Why am I having such a hard time finding a worthy companion?  It feels like the men who I am interested in always end up being emotionally unavailable/broken and the men who are interested in me are weak and neurotic.  Why is there such a discord?  What is about me that attracts the unavailable and weak?  GO AWAY!  I don’t want that!

The level of frustration I feel from this makes me want to punch something.  During the day I am angry and bitter and night I just imagine my lover stroking my hair while I fall asleep.

I hate love and the heart.

Missing Home

I didn’t think it would happen, but I’m beginning to miss NYC.  I’m not feeling the solidarity and the sense of community here that I felt in NYC.  There are things to do and people to meet, but they are all in passing.  I’m feeling the need to explore outside of LA.  This city may be large and spread out, but it’s spread thin.

I Deserve Better Than This

More and more heartache.  I feel like I’ve been played for a fool.  It’s Friday night and I would like nothing more than to go home to a boyfriend to relax with.  Instead, I’m coming home to the possibility of not seeing the guy I’m supposedly dating because he is scared and can’t have a girlfriend right now.  He is emotionally unavailable.  With me, he holds his affection back.  He will do things like get drunk and do lines of coke to forget his responsibilities to others and say, “Fuck it”.  These are the men I get.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know how.  I know that I am hurting from it.  I know I am sad.  I am on the verge of tears.  My friends say that I haven’t met “him” yet.  I would settle for someone to consistently date, let alone “him”.  I think I will be alone or have to settle.  I refuse to settle, so alone it will be.